Thursday, 30 June 2016

Mother Memories

I have been very quiet for a long time. It is taking me far more time than I thought to elaborate my loss. I miss my Mother.


This is my all-time favourite photo.




William, Ella,Jean, Pat, Ray.

My Super Big Sister!:

The three of us.

Some may have thought because I didn't go to the funeral that I was indifferent. So far from the truth. Maybe because I couldn't physically be there it hurt even more. Mother-daughter relationships are always difficult at the best of times it seems. All in all I had a good relationship with my Mother. She was a difficult, unhappy, but very intelligent person.
I have the precious memory that she once said I was an ideal daughter!
I have been very far away for so many years but there was always the possibility of writing a letter or phoning; even when I had to go as far as Catanzaro to be able to phone! Usually I managed to say Hi at least every fortnight recently even when money was tight.
Now it still seems so unreal to me. I keep thinking that I must say this that or the other to Maman when I speak to her!
I so understand  when she said she still found herself talking to Daddy, I would sometimes say, "tell Daddy...!"

There were things that Maman would understand that else will ever "get"; a shared delight in crafting and knitting. She understood my desire to create knitting patterns for doll clothes and although she never actually saw them, she delighted  in the knowledge that I had published another design and that it was successful. She was proud of me.
I know that if I had asked her opinion she would have told me to not go. By the time I could have got there I would not been able to see her and it was so long from then till the funeral that it would have just been impossible. Add the fact that financial problems would have meant I would have had to borrow money or go into overdraft to go, plus leave my youngest daughter when she needed my help for schoolwork it just wasn't feasible. Still hurts. 
Life seems so hard at times. Daddy passed away and then my Father-in-Law. Ironically I spent all day holding my Fil's hand the day he left us. He had suffered for a while. 
Seems I can't be there for my own Folk.
I have many memories. So few photos. 

Still hurts.

I have decided I will make digital copies of all my old photos. There aren't many but like my favourite one of my Mother and our cat they are slowly decreasing in quality. It has been too exposed to sun and heat over all the years.